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zeppo: Where babies come from - sanitized for your protection:
"In the center of the room was a giant fiberglass tree with crystals hanging from the branches. A perimeter of fabric cabbages held the disembodied heads of 'babies' about to be born. In the center was a large cabbage and a dark television screen behind it. I looked over towards the adoption office. A very blond and overly tanned girl in her late teens was wearing surgeon scrubs. She leaned over the desk with her face in her hand and looked as if God himself jammed a straw into her brain and sucked all the joy of living right out of her. Every once in a while she would yank a microphone over to her lips and without a hint of animation, call out an imaginary doctor's name and announce 'We have Code Green - mother cabbage was now 6 centimeters dilated...'
Suddenly the lights went down.
The plastic crystals at the base started to glow and I knew I was going to see something halfway between spectacularly surreal and terribly tacky.

The blond surfer girl from the adoption desk suddenly popped up in front of the base of the tree. She announced the mother cabbage was fully dilated and in order to help her have the baby she needed '10 CC's of imagicillin - stat!' A long cable with a fat end was wedged callously into the cabbage and the TV screen glowed hot pink, thereby determining the baby about to be born was in fact, a girl.
A long pair of hemostats were produced and she used them to fold back the obscene green fabric labia of the gestating brassica oleracea.
She then asked everyone to hold their breath to aid the mother cabbage in the birth. I did so only to keep myself from exclaiming something in the line of 'Sweet home Alabama, this is fucking bizarre!' Surfer girl stuck her hand in up to her elbow and pulled out a pudgy fabric newborn with blue eyes and curly blond hair. She held it by the feet and slapped its naked butt cheeks. I was almost a little sorry it wasn't covered in cherry Jell-O."

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